Sneak Peek

Are You Ready for Boot Camp?

You’ve been together for several years. In the beginning, you felt the butterflies in your belly every time the phone rang. When you saw him, your heart raced. He was so sweet and cute. Flowers, teddy bears, the wooing – oh it was beautiful! After a few months, you settled into a routine. Friday was guys’ night out; Tuesdays was poker night. You went out together on Saturday nights, but Sundays, of course, was for football. Then he became distant and a little more forgetful. There were still times when he was thoughtful -- usually after many hints from you. You began to go in different directions, to want different things. How did that happen? You began to feel taken-for-granted. Then the arguing began. You can’t really remember how things escalated, but they did. You think, “What’s wrong with me?”

As you remember it, you hardly fought in the beginning. Then after 6 months, it seemed like you fought all the time -- over his obnoxious friends, the forgotten phone call, him working late and staring at that waitress. He was always defending himself, and you were always in tears. He accused you of complaining constantly for no reason, and you accused him of not caring about anyone but himself. Then she appeared out of nowhere. He says they are just friends, but you notice the glances between them when they think no one is looking. You become suspicious all the time, and question him constantly about her. He finally blows up and storms out in a rage. You call him all night but he is not answering his phone. You’re worried and frantic, but deep down you know where he is. You think, “How could he do this to me?”

You’ve been burned many times but finally believe you met The One. He’s charming and handsome and fun. The only thing that worries you is that he gets quiet and withdrawn -- but he said it’s because he says he’s been hurt too. He told you right from the start that he’s still reeling from his old relationship that ended three years ago. He asks that you take things slowly. You agree and expect things to change over time. But it’s been two years now and you are still seeing each other about once a week. He seems to come and go as he pleases while you wait for him to call and make plans, or you beg him to attend your friend’s wedding with you. You finally ask him how he feels about you and tell him that you want more. He tells you he’s not sure what he wants. You feel as though your life is over and think, “How can I get him to love me.”

Well, you did it again. Your loser magnet attracted another one. This one was so screwed up he even lied to you about what he had for lunch! Actually, this one was not quite as bad as the last one who actually introduced you to his entire family on the second date. Or what about the one you dated for a month last year who asked you to tattoo his name on your butt? And then the other prince who stole money out of your wallet and then tried to tell you that you forgot you gave it to him! You go out every weekend to bars with your friends. You smile and laugh and wear the trendiest clothes, but still attract the bottom of the barrel. You think, “Will I ever meet a normal guy?”

SO WHAT DO YOU DO?

IMPROVE YOUR SELF ESTEEM!

What will you gain by improving your self-esteem? You will be able to:

handle work and family stress
make better choices
recognize and avoid negative behaviors
communicate more effectively
manage your emotions
set priorities
focus on health and exercise
speak up for yourself
develop and maintain positive relationships with loved ones
improve personal skills and talents
take on challenges and set goals
MEET THE PERSON MEANT FOR YOU!

Trying to improve yourself while dealing with relationships and day to day responsibilities can cause anxiety and stress. And almost everyone you meet at one time or another will admit to feeling "stressed out" or exhausted for one reason or another. When you greet people and ask "how are you" listen to their answers. How many times do you hear, "Fantastic!" Well-rested," or "Dying to take on more responsibility"? Not very often. A lot of the times, what you here is "I’m stressed."

So what are the effects of this persistent feelings of ill-health on your self-esteem? Well, how can you possibly feel good about yourself when you don’t feel good period! Aside from the serious internal repercussions, it’s no fun feeling tired and irritable and, unfortunately, these feelings will be conveyed through your words and actions towards friends, loved ones and potential mates!

NEW!!!

SELF ESTEEM DOLLS

HELP US REMEMBER TO

LOVE AND RESPECT OURSELVES!

Click on the How to Order Tab

For personal, confidential coaching and/or to ask a relationship or other question, you may also log on to www.theaccidentalexpert.com.

Love to love you

by Indy.com Staff

[Posted: Feb 13, 2008 in Things to do]

Honesty is the best dating policy, but consider the powers of presentation.

Peeling yourself from a woe-is-me posture on the sofa can refocus your attitude and do it regularly. And, of course, you get the bonus better-body effect.

If you find nothing enjoyable about your position, keep it to yourself.

Find volunteer opportunities where you can use the skills you want to develop and interact with folks in a desired environment.

Loving you: Whether you're attached or flying solo on Valentine's Day, you can still get closer to the most important person in your life.

Can't have the one you love? Love the on you're always with - yourself. Four experts give some practical advice on how to do it.

Trust us. You're not the only one not going out to a fancy dinner or gazing at a half-dozen stargazer lilies from your beloved this Valentine's Day.

So stop wondering what's wrong with you.

Just grab another dark chocolate truffle (good for your serotonin levels and your blood pressure) and read on.

It's all about loving you in 2008 -- that means your life, your job, your friends, your surroundings.

To help, we've sought the advice of local and national experts. (Free therapy ..... yippie!)

Love your experience

Audrey Valeriani, columnist, relationship expert and the author of "Boot Camp for the Brokenhearted: How to Survive (and Be Happy) in the Jungle of Love" reminds the lovelorn that even the relationships that ended did good things for you.

Valeriani maintains that the best way to a relationship that doesn't end is to know what you want and pursue it without being overly rigid.

But in the meantime, don't beat yourself up over the relationships that didn't work out.

You get little, if anything, from going on a date with someone you aren't attracted to or who isn't even in the parking lot of the ballpark of your vision of a mate.

The experiences you have had, however, aren't all bad for your dating future, even if they were all bad.

"Don't consider a relationship that ends to necessarily be a failure," Valeriani said. "People come in and out of your life, and you learn from them."

Love your job

Painting houses when you'd rather be coaching swimming? Having a hard time adjusting to the new direction your office is heading? All is not lost, according to Dan Johnson, life blueprint and leadership coach with Performance Mastery, an Indianapolis company.

"Most important and sometimes most difficult is to focus your attention on aspects of your job and work environment that you do like," he said.

Be it a co-worker you have fun with or a job responsibility you find satisfying, making it your focus "helps maintain a more positive outlook, makes your work experience more enjoyable, and gives you the energy you need to look elsewhere if need be."

If you find nothing enjoyable about your position, keep it to yourself.

"Avoid complaining and focusing only on the negative at work," Johnson said. "People who do complain suck the life out of others, as well as themselves, and often don't have the energy to find a new job, so they eventually get fired."

Love your friends

Among the good times, a little strife generally falls into any friendship, and many people, Indianapolis marriage and family therapist Devan Armstrong says, have a very hard time dealing with it.

"With friends, yeah, it's about staying connected, but there are also the important factors of boundaries and accountability," Armstrong said. "If someone said something inappropriate or hurt your feelings, a lot of times people let it go instead of being honest and working through it -- avoid the conflict."

Bad idea, she said. And shortsighted.

"You teach people how to treat you," Armstrong pointed out. "If you let them get away with saying things that bother you, you're saying it's OK not to respect you."

Love your surroundings

Your oatmeal-colored walls may be hurting your dating life. And, strangely, that beat-up Ween poster you've been moving with you since the dorm days might be helping.

"Surround yourself with things that make you feel good and happy," Valeriani said.

Color makes a big difference in how you feel, and drab walls do little for your outlook. What you hang on them, too, can affect the way you feel when you go out into the world, so choose wisely.

"I have friends that have a couple of these very expensive art pieces," Valeriani said. "I wouldn't give you 5 cents for them because they don't make me feel good. If dogs playing poker makes you feel good, you gotta put it up."

Love your body

"Diet and nutrition make a difference," Valeriani said. "I'm not talking about going on a diet, but the foods you eat send a message to your brain, and thank God the studies said dark chocolate makes you feel good, because I didn't care if it gave me an awful disease -- I'd still be eating it."

The magic of chocolate aside, Valeriani points to exercise as a mood and self-esteem elevator. Peeling yourself from a woe-is-me posture on the sofa can refocus your attitude and do it regularly. And, of course, you get the bonus better-body effect.

In the meantime, though, make sure you're presenting yourself at your best. "Think about what you'll wear, what you'll look good in no matter what size you are," Valeriani said. "You're sending a message to your brain that you care about yourself, and that comes through to others, too."

Love your unlovable co-worker

Can you generate warm feelings for the cubicle mate who chomps chips and fights loudly on the phone with her significant other? Possibly, according to Johnson.

"Always remember you get more of what you focus on -- whether it is wanted or unwanted," he counsels. "The more you focus on her undesirable behavior, the more often it will seem she is behaving that way.

"Stop playing victim and start taking some initiative. Talk to her about what's bothering you in a tactful way. All too often workers suffer in silence because they're afraid of open dialogue and conflict. Be open and tactful -- and open to receiving some feedback yourself."

After you tactfully state your case, be sure to note her good behavior.

"Positive reinforcement is the fastest way for eliciting desired behavior," Johnson said.

Love your good graces

First and foremost: Smile, says Mary Starvaggi, who runs her own etiquette consulting business, The Etiquette Advantage, and leads business and social etiquette courses at the IUPUI Career Center.

"(A smile is) a welcome to anyone you meet or greet, and it says a lot about you," Starvaggi said. "Even if you're not a confident person, it shows confidence. Same thing with eye contact, which may be even more important than a smile."

But you're going to have to open your mouth, too, if you want to be truly gracious, so Starvaggi advises readying yourself with a few neutral topics to be ready for any social situations. And start strong.

"The first 12 words you speak should be some form of thanks, praise and/or a compliment," Starvaggi said. "If it's a compliment, make sure you mean it, and if you don't mean it, don't give the compliment. Thank the person for something or find something you might both like. If (your companion) chose the restaurant, say, 'This is a great place; I'm so happy to be here.'."

Love your potential

"Beginning day one on the job, establish and maintain healthy relationships with people throughout the organization," Johnson advises. "This way you can talk with them informally to learn more about the work they do and careers in their part of the company."

Evaluate which areas inspire you and keep talking.

"Network and talk to folks currently in those careers you are curious about," Johnson said. "Learn from them the day-to-day realities of their career and what helped them advance their careers."

And put yourself out there further by going above and beyond. "Find volunteer opportunities where you can use the skills you want to develop and interact with folks in a desired environment," Johnson said.

Love your wants

Faking it isn't going to get you anywhere, Valeriani cautioned: "I don't believe in rules or games or anything like that."

Honesty is the best dating policy, but consider the powers of presentation.

"Don't sit down on a first date and say 'I want to get married, and I want to have kids, and I want this and that,'." Valeriani said. "But it shouldn't be taboo to say that you're a certain age and that you know what your goals are, what you want out of life."

And if you do have a spouse, "Remember to focus on your marital friendship," said Armstrong. "[Psychologist] John Gottman uses the term 'love map,' which means gathering all the information you can about your significant other -- what projects they're working on to their favorite colors and favorite smells.

"You can't write and forget it: A love map changes constantly, and it's something successful couples stay on top of.

"People forget to check in with each other, and they lose touch because they don't update that information."

Staying connected, Armstrong said, also means staying mindful of the good parts of your significant other instead of homing in on his inability to put garbage in the garbage can or his refusal to clean a sink or ..... ahem.

She advises that couples jot down their partner's strengths: "Focus on the positives -- on those things that drew you to each other in the first place."

-- By Traci Cumbay / Indy.com correspondent