Getting Over a Break Up: Advice from Love Relationship Expert Audrey Valeriani

Are You Ready for Boot Camp?

You’ve been together for several years. In the beginning, you felt the butterflies in your belly every time the phone rang. When you saw him, your heart raced. He was so sweet and cute. Flowers, teddy bears, the wooing – oh it was beautiful! After a few months, you settled into a routine. Friday was guys’ night out; Tuesdays was poker night. You went out together on Saturday nights, but Sundays, of course, was for football. Then he became distant and a little more forgetful. There were still times when he was thoughtful -- usually after many hints from you. You began to go in different directions, to want different things. How did that happen? You began to feel taken-for-granted. Then the arguing began. You can’t really remember how things escalated, but they did. You think, “What’s wrong with me?”

As you remember it, you hardly fought in the beginning. Then after 6 months, it seemed like you fought all the time -- over his obnoxious friends, the forgotten phone call, him working late and staring at that waitress. He was always defending himself, and you were always in tears. He accused you of complaining constantly for no reason, and you accused him of not caring about anyone but himself. Then she appeared out of nowhere. He says they are just friends, but you notice the glances between them when they think no one is looking. You become suspicious all the time, and question him constantly about her. He finally blows up and storms out in a rage. You call him all night but he is not answering his phone. You’re worried and frantic, but deep down you know where he is. You think, “How could he do this to me?”

You’ve been burned many times but finally believe you met The One. He’s charming and handsome and fun. The only thing that worries you is that he gets quiet and withdrawn -- but he said it’s because he says he’s been hurt too. He told you right from the start that he’s still reeling from his old relationship that ended three years ago. He asks that you take things slowly. You agree and expect things to change over time. But it’s been two years now and you are still seeing each other about once a week. He seems to come and go as he pleases while you wait for him to call and make plans, or you beg him to attend your friend’s wedding with you. You finally ask him how he feels about you and tell him that you want more. He tells you he’s not sure what he wants. You feel as though your life is over and think, “How can I get him to love me.”

Well, you did it again. Your loser magnet attracted another one. This one was so screwed up he even lied to you about what he had for lunch! Actually, this one was not quite as bad as the last one who actually introduced you to his entire family on the second date. Or what about the one you dated for a month last year who asked you to tattoo his name on your butt? And then the other prince who stole money out of your wallet and then tried to tell you that you forgot you gave it to him! You go out every weekend to bars with your friends. You smile and laugh and wear the trendiest clothes, but still attract the bottom of the barrel. You think, “Will I ever meet a normal guy?”

Has your relationship ended? Did you finally break up and now you feel sick and confused? Need help getting over a break up?

SO WHAT DO YOU DO?

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MEET THE PERSON MEANT FOR YOU!

Break Up Article:

Dumped? How to deal when your guy or girl lets you go

When Samantha S., 17, of Tucson, Ariz., started dating her boyfriend, things were great. "He was everything to me, and I thought I'd found the person I would be with forever," she says.

Forever came nine months later. On the day Samantha got her driver's permit, the couple went out to celebrate. "I leaned in to kiss him, and mid-kiss he told me he didn't love me anymore, and our relationship was over," Samantha says.

Dumped, dissed, dropped, broken up with--whatever term you use, when someone ends a relationship with you, it's tough. Just look at how some people have dealt with it. Britney Spears's breakup with ex-husband Kevin Federline sent things downhill for her. And nasty rumors and accusations flew back and forth between Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards after their breakup. But just because breakups cause celebs to get wacky, being dumped doesn't mean you have to lose it.

Why, Why, Why?

"Why?" is usually the first post-breakup question. There are many reasons people end relationships, such as not getting along, interest in someone else, lack of time, or just growing apart.

If your ex doesn't give a reason, ask. "I always tell teens not to be afraid to ask why because sometimes it can give you information that can be useful for improving yourself and future relationships," says Bruce N. Eimer, a clinical psychologist.

Sometimes, even if you ask, your ex won't tell or won't be truthful. Don't force the issue. You can badger the person or rack your brain trying to come up with reasons, but that'll only drive you crazy. In those cases, it's best to accept that you may never know why, says Audrey Valeriani, a relationship and self-esteem coach who wrote Boot Camp for the Broken-Hearted.

Instead, focus on things that would have changed the relationship anyway. Maybe the two of you would have attended different schools next fall, or part-time jobs and sports practices would have cut into your together time. Seeing that things would have eventually changed often takes some of the sting out of being dumped, Valeriani explains. After all, this is likely just one of a long line of relationships you can look forward to throughout your life.

A Really Bad Feeling

When Mike Tramontelli, of Rye Brook, N.Y., was 16, his girlfriend of a year revealed she was seeing someone else and wanted to break up. "For a month I was really upset, in a bad mood, and felt betrayed," Tramontelli, now 19, says. Then he really thought about the reason she gave him. "She said I was acting kind of crazy and controlling," Tramontelli says. He realized she was right, and he was torn between feeling hurt and understanding her viewpoint.

Sometimes a relationship ends and your ex--rightly or wrongly--blames you. In such cases, feelings of guilt, wishing you had done this or not done that, and anger at yourself are all things you might experience. It's normal.

But regardless of whether it's your fault, your ex's fault, or no one's fault, being dumped can make you doubt whether you're even lovable. It's common to feel as if you'll never find anyone else; you might believe there's something wrong with you because your ex doesn't want to be with you. That's not true. The things that caused your last relationship to not work may be the very things that make the next one click.

Whatever feelings you have after a breakup--sadness, loneliness, disappointment, anger--are likely normal. It's OK to cry, listen to a loop of sad songs on your MP3 player, or imagine saying hurtful things to the person. "You have to allow yourself to feel the feelings and deal with them in order to get past them," Valeriani says. Until you let the feelings out, the relationship (and your ex) will still have a hold on you, she says.

Moving On

After you're all cried out, you can take the next steps. To get on with life after a breakup, Elmer recommends the ACTS method.

Accept that it's over. Be honest with yourself and others. Refusing to let go will make you look needy and feel worse.

Commit to moving on. If that means deleting his or her pics from your computer, click away. After all, do you really want to be stuck on someone who hurt you or isn't stuck on you? Likely not. Holding on to old memories prevents you from moving forward.

Treat yourself well. "The fact that the relationship failed says nothing about your value as a person," Elmer says. Don't beat up on yourself, and make sure you eat well, sleep well, and do things you enjoy.

Spending time on you will help you feel better about yourself.

Seek support and solace. Support yourself and get support from friends and family. If the pain is unbearable, you feel like hurting yourself or others, or you're still depressed or angry months later, talking to a mental health specialist can help, says Eimer.

Friends to the End?

"Let's stay friends" is usually said only to soften the blow. If your ex really does want friendship, it's your choice. "If you feel really wronged by the person, there's no reason to feel you have to try to be friends," Valeriani says. Just let him or her go.

And if you still have feelings for your ex? Forget it. Remaining friendly in hopes you'll get back together can cause only more hurt, Eimer says.

That doesn't mean post-breakup friendship is impossible. Months after their breakup, Samantha and her ex were in a class together and started talking. They're now good friends.

Next Time Around

After Tramontelli's breakup, he realized communication and compromise are crucial. "If my ex-girlfriend felt I was being controlling, she should've said that, and I would've changed," he says. In fact, he worked on his control issues, and they later got back together. Tramontelli dated his girlfriend for a year the second time, until they mutually agreed to end it when both left for colleges in different states.

Samantha learned not to let a partner become her everything. "I was really planning my life based on my boyfriend, so when we broke up it was like, 'What do I do now?'" she says. "I now know to make the person a high priority but not the top priority."

Both Samantha and Tramontelli got one of the best things that can come of a breakup, Eimer says--a learning experience. Keep learning and don't give up on love. One day all those lessons will be worth it.

Article by Audrey Valeriani as featured in Divorce Magazine.