Note From Author
Let me begin by telling you that I am an ordinary woman just like you. I am forty-&*#$ years old. Growing up, almost every marriage around me either ended in divorce or was extremely dysfunctional. I had no example of a healthy, happy relationship between a man and a woman to guide me.For years, my loser magnet was in perfect working order and able to reach far and wide. I agonized over the stupid mistakes I made in relationships (like being too clingy or too judgmental). I’ve been overly critical of myself and tried so hard to be the perfect woman for everyone in my life. I’ve fallen hard for the bad boys, ignored the nice ones and have mourned the loss of many a dickhead boyfriend! I finally asked myself, what was I doing wrong? Would true love never find me? Was it really possible to have a relationship with a man who would be as good to me as I was to him? Or to find someone who really understood me (and loved me anyway)? Was I even worthy of love? Nowhere did I find the answers I needed. I felt as though I was roaming around in the dark.
Finally, after years of listening to everyone around me complain about their painful, unfulfilling relationships, I decided to stop this unproductive cycle of despair and disappointment, and find the answers to the questions myself.
My adventure began by talking with friends, friends of friends, co-workers, and even welcoming strangers in line at the bank. I asked waitresses in restaurants what their gripes were about men and eavesdropped on the conversations of other women in ladies’ rooms everywhere! I spoke with women in the salon and in elevators, men waiting in line at the lunch place, and people on the train going into and out of the city. An invitation to “tell me a story” went out to my contacts via e-mail, including a request that they forward it to their associates and acquaintances.
I sent my friends to their social engagements armed with questions and notebooks so they could gather information for my research. I distributed surveys (via e-mail and by hand) to any man or woman who would take one (along with some extras to distribute to their friends, as well). I solicited information from anyone who looked like he or she would talk to me.
Here, at last, are the fruits of my labor!
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Self Esteem Boston is looking for Board Members!
Self Esteem Boston Educational Institute, Inc. (SEB) is a private, non-profit organization which provides self-esteem training for low-income, at-risk populations and their service providers in the Boston area.
Self Esteem Boston is now accepting applications for Board Members located in the Boston area!
Like the Accidental Expert, they believe that
Self-esteem is the foundation for success in life. How people feel about themselves has everything to do with the choices they make.
Self Esteem Boston serves women in domestic violence shelters, substance abuse programs, prison pre-release programs, and more. Please help this outstanding non-profit organization continue their vital work. Visit www.selfesteemboston.com for more information and make a donation.
Through programs for those in need, people learn the tools to become socially and economically successful by first learning to develop a sense of self-worth and then how to apply this understanding to achieving goals, positive communication, decision-making, conflict resolution, relationship dynamics, coping with change and stress, and managing school and home.
If you think you would like to become a board member and help us continue doing this wonderful work, please email me at theaccidentalexpert@comcast.net or contact Self Esteem Boston directly at (617) 983-1111.
As Board Chair of Self Esteem Boston, I thank you.
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MY ARTICLE OF THE MONTH - JULY 2008
Quiet Grace on a Crowded Train
Having ridden the Orange Line for some 30 years now, I can honestly say that I have seen and/or experienced almost everything. From rowdy, troublemakers harassing passengers to gropers rubbing against women (I walked one woman to her office before going to mine just to make sure she was safe from the pervert following her) and have even had the opportunity of viewing the “member” of a man smiling at me from across a nearly empty train. I’ve seen people sit while a blind man stood (I yelled at them on my way out), and others pick their noses like sweet fruit from a tree.
From afar, I’ve seen pregnant women standing, struggling to hold on as the train jerked back and forth, and accidents and medical emergencies occur before my eyes. Yes, I have even intervened in an attempted robbery while a crowd of women and men stood and stared… I know, I know… not very smart, but I guess my instinct to help kicked in.
But I think if you ride the T long enough (and you’re lucky), you just might see some considerate, albeit rare, images as well. Like this morning on my way to work, I noticed a most impressive sight.
A young man in a wheel chair boarded the train at the second stop. He looked about twenty years old, healthy in his face and upper body except for handicapped arms and hands and legs and feet. He sat quietly, not making eye contact with anyone, while expertly manipulating the controls on his chair so as not to be in the way as people exited and entered the train car. I usually feel uncomfortable and unsure about how to properly interact with physically- or mentally-challenged people, so I just go with my gut and treat them with respect as I do other passengers, with maybe an extra smile thrown in for good measure.
Anyway, the train was pretty quiet as some people read and others closed their eyes and pretended to sleep while I, as usual, looked around scouting out fashion faux pas and anything that could be conceived as funny. As I surveyed the crowd, my eyes happen to steer in the direction of the young man in the wheelchair at the exact time that he began to yawn. That’s when I saw the most amazing thing. As he yawned, he brought his bony, crooked arm up to his face and covered his mouth with his disfigured hand.
That simple, private, automatic reflect brought tears to my eyes. I mean if anyone could be excused from practicing good manners, it would be someone who finds it difficult or even painful to carry out such actions. Instead, here sat this considerate yet disregarded young man, possessing the grace and honor to display the basic manners most of us “healthy” people are too forgetful or lazy to exercise.
After that, the train stopped at the next station. I saw him push some buttons on his chair and roll away, being careful not to bump into those rushing around him to exist or pushing towards him to board. As the train then pulled out of the station, I watched him slowly ride down the platform then I closed my eyes and said a prayer for him. A prayer that he would be blessed, and find peace and happiness in his life and, of course, that the elevator at that station was in working order.
MY ARTICLE OF THE MONTH - JUNE 2008
Juno: A Different Version for Teens in
Is it just me or did watching the movie Juno worry any other responsible adult?
I mean, the critics raved about the it. The Los Angeles Times said, “'Juno' is hilarious and sweet-tempered, perceptive and surprisingly grounded...”. Perceptive? Grounded? How many 16-year old girls have the communication skills, the control over emotions, and the total acceptance and support of the “hippy-go-lucky” parents that Juno had. I found the movie to be cute and well-acted, but also very laissez-faire in that it presented the best possible circumstances in which any pregnant teen could find herself. But is that fair to the thousands of young women looking for answers at a time in our society when we are trying to discourage teenagers from engaging in sex for more reasons than just pregnancy?
As I watched the movie with my husband, stepson, and his 16-year old girlfriend, I couldn’t help but wonder if, as she watched Juno independently drive herself all over town organizing her life, she was thinking, “It’s not such a big deal. If I get pregnant, I will look in the Pennysaver, find some rich people who want a baby, and in nine short months it will all be over.” And how many other teens out there were thinking the same thing? Could it be that in our “uptight” part of the country, we have not managed to have the same resources for teen mothers-to-be as, say, in the
It seems that the ease of Juno’s pregnancy made sense to 17 girls from the high school in
The news reported that, “Superintendent Christopher Farmer said the girls are generally ‘girls who lack self-esteem and have a lack of love in their life.’” And although the Superintendent first reported that the girls made a pact to have babies together, the Mayor has said that when asked how he knew, the Superintendent's memory failed. Could he have made up such a story? I doubt it. Older teens from the same area have commented that they felt the girls did this because they were looking for “unconditional love” and acceptance – a clear symptom of low self-esteem.
And so, unlike the fairytale ending in Juno, I believe now we are left to deal with this as a society -- schools, parents, and teens alike. It's unfortunate that the
I think we need more or better sex education, accessible birth control information, and most important of all, self-esteem programs to help young women everywhere understand how to live independently, to take responsibility for their actions, that their choices don't have to be limited, and that they don't have to follow the crowd. Life is interesting and hard, but holds endless possibilities and they should know that.
I know, I know, Juno was just a movie – a creative expression, an artistic interpretation written by someone who never intended to hurt or even influence anyone. I also understand that not all movies have a duty to go the responsible route and portray both the good and the bad side of each issue – some movies are simply for entertainment purposes. I only wish that had been explained to the young girls at
For those of you who think I am making a mountain our of a molehill let me just admit that I am one of those people who worry about the messages being received by our young people, and not really interested in persecuting those who send them. Hey! Maybe the DVD can include a disclaimer that says, “WARNING: THIS IS NOT REAL LIFE”? Oh yea, labeling – no one liked it when Tipper Gore suggested it either.
My wish is that Juno and the events in
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The Visualization That Changed my Life!
(from Boot Camp for the Broken-Hearted: How to Survive (and Be Happy) in the Jungle of Love)
"Picture in your mind that there is a little girl who lives in your shirt pocket. Take her out and look at her standing in the palm of your hand. Notice how sad she looks. She’s been mistreated most of her life. She’s been belittled, hurt, abused; she’s gotten dirty and wet, felt cold, hungry and lonely. Not only have other people made her feel this way, but so have you – by ignoring her needs and prolonging her pain. Can you picture her little face looking up at you? Why were you as mean to her as everyone else had been? She looked to you for love and kindness and you provided none, instead blaming her for causing what was not her fault. Did you perhaps feel that there must have been a reason all these bad things happened and that she must have deserved such misfortune? Have you become so hardened and cynical by the let-downs of life that there’s no compassion left inside your heart for someone else? For yourself? That’s right. That little girl is you. Now try and remember all of the things that have happened in your life that hurt you. It’s not fair, is it? All you’ve ever wanted was for the pain to stop, for that hole in your belly to heal. You’ve been looking for something or someone to make you feel better, to change your life. Well, that someone has been with you the whole time, just look in the mirror. It’s not too late. Now take that little girl and clean her up. Give her some healthy food and nice clothes. Make her look pretty. Tell her that she’s wonderful and that you love her. Tell her that she can do anything and that you will help her to have a wonderful life from this point on. Then put her back in your pocket, next to your heart, and never forget she is there...."
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