Build Self-Esteem

  Who needs to build self-esteem? 

The girl from the low income family who feels that because she doesn’t have much, she isn’t worth much;

The little rich girl whose parents pay the nanny to raise her while they tend to their own business, oblivious to their child’s need for parental attention, interaction, and love;

The twenty-something who looks capable and in control, but never learned how to make her own way in the world;

The thirty year-old woman who still lives at home with her parents, waiting for a man to come along and take care of her;

The middle-aged woman who, while raising a family and working long hours, dismisses her dreams and ignores her own needs;

The mature woman who, after seeing the kids off to college and living through the death of her husband, feels that without others around her, she is lost.

            Many, many others.

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Do you think we are the kind of society that teaches our young women to build self esteem?

Do you set examples for others as to how to build self esteem?

In order to build self esteem, what does it take from the community, family, educators, media?

What is the difference between how older generations and young women today build self esteem?

ARE OUR YOUNG WOMEN IN TROUBLE?

Illusionary Icons

 My generation grew up watching Mary Tyler Moore proudly hold her own in the boorish business world, Edith innocently defy Archie's intolerance, and Maude argue for social reform. We read about the "women's movement" in Cosmopolitan magazine, while Cher broke new ground with her unabashed sexuality. Over the years, the struggles of our older sisters made it possible for us to open doors, to attain more than they had, to soar. As we grew up, we dreamed of meeting our Prince Charming, but we also envisioned working in the city or becoming a doctor or a lawyer. Indeed, over the years we made important strides in our quest for equality with men in business and in society, but what about in relationships?

Science tells us that women's domesticity and nurturing qualities are instinctive; however, we also learned ways of thinking and of interacting with others from our mothers, who had, of course, learned from their mothers. But what had we learned? Thirty years ago, most of us saw our mothers cater to our fathers while dismissing their own ideas and neglecting themselves. They did what was expected of them, but were they happy? As one woman said, "I'll never forget that look on my mother's face… she couldn't have been happy." We told ourselves that things would be different in our relationships, and they are—to some extent. But had the freedom and independence that had finally bubbled to the surface made us wiser and more connected to our inner selves, or did it just give us more outside choices? Had those achievements influenced our roles as loving and lovable companions?

In discussing this subject with women as young as 13 and as old as never mind, I could see that the older women who had been influenced by our pioneer sisters, knew how important individuality and respect were to women. The younger ones, however, seemed to demonstrate the same self-effacing behavior as in years past, putting the needs and desires of men ahead of their own. This new breed of female seemed unprepared, naïve, and oblivious to what women before us had accomplished. Accordingly, if how we think and behave is a result of what we were taught and exposed to as children, what does that tell us about girls growing up today?

Have you noticed how obsessed most young women appear to be with having the best body, face, and hairstyle? Why is physical "perfection" such a priority today? Could it be the dozens of makeover and plastic surgery shows on television or the constant marketing of products consuming the airwaves and billboards, luring our young women with false promises of happiness and everlasting love and almost hypnotizing them into buying their magical potions and gadgets—look like your favorite movie star, and have a wonderful life! Those kinds of deceitful messages are shameful and potentially harmful to women who try futilely to reach the media's ideal archetype. Our young women need to believe that they don't have to look, think, or behave like the rich and famous or that they need to do what the so-called "trendsetters" dictate just so advertisers and retailers can make a buck.

I am also concerned that a lot of girls feel they need to have a man (actually, a boy) in their lives in order to feel complete. Part of the reason is age—the dawn of hormones&8212;but could it also be a result of reality shows where a dozen women compete for one man by using any means necessary? These shows have turned meeting and winning the heart of a man (aka "falling in love") into a spectator-driven, cut-throat event featuring ruthless women who act as if men were almost extinct!

Now, I admit that, as young girls, we wanted to have boyfriends and we wore makeup (remember that black eyeliner and blue eye shadow?), but I also remember that all of that was just a part of our lives as budding young women. We were also curious about the world, about finding out who we were, and what we would become.

One reason for the somewhat distorted thinking of young women today could be that the world around them is not teaching them about integrity, confidence, or self-esteem. Parents today work really hard and can only hope that their children will listen to their words of wisdom and experience. It's a losing battle when young women are then bombarded by self-serving, deceptive messages emanating from the media around them.

Please know that when I state my case I am not advocating censorship here. Nor am I in favor of producing a class of male-hating women—far from it. I am talking about taking responsibility for teaching our young people the difference between what is true and appropriate for them in real life, and what is put out there for "shock value" and entertainment purposes. We need to spread the word to our young women that they have a choice not to be that woman in the video dancing half naked and that they will still get a boyfriend (and one of better quality). We have to tell them that it's okay to refrain from using (and listening to) offensive and disgusting language, and that Britney and Christina are dressed like that because they are on stage (not in a classroom), and that yes, blow jobs are sex!

We have to teach our little sisters how to be comfortable in their own skin by shouting:

Be kind to yourself!

Don't obsess about your looks or berate yourself because you're not model-thin. As women, we are our harshest critics and hold ourselves to ridiculous standards.

Be independent!

Don't just say, "Wouldn't it be nice to…" Do it!

Set limits!

Don't let anyone mistreat you—stand up for yourself and keep your word.

Express your appreciation!

When we embrace gratitude and humility, even more goodness and love comes to us.

Listen to your inner voice!

Don't be someone who jumps to conclusions, but if you have that "feeling" deep down, don't ignore it—trust your instincts.

Believe in yourself!

Decide what you want, go after it whole-heartedly, and stay committed.

Let 'em see your joy!

Joy comes through in our smiles and our eyes, and enables us to attract even more love into our lives. Remember, what you give out, you get back.

[Article by Audrey Valeriani, as published.]

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Fact: It's easier to communicate what you want and need to your mate, if you know and love yourself, and how do you do that?  Build self esteem.  Fact: The respect and treatment you get from others is a direct result of how they see you treat yourself, so how do you set the bar high?  Build self esteem.  Fact:  If you approach a relationship as a whole person rather than as someone looking to someone else for happiness then your relationships are more likely to be joyful and fulfilling, and how do you do that?  Build self esteem.

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The Importance of Self-Esteem in Relationships

by Christina Claudia Constanze Zottnick

When it comes to entering and maintaining a successful relationship, people often times do not realize that resulting problems and conflicts in the majority of cases are not actually "between the two", but merely a reflection of their own personal issues.

A happy and stable person with high self-esteem on the other hand will generally perceive any given situation much different than a person who is rather insecure and doubting himself.

No matter if it is emotional baggage of the past, traumatic (childhood) experiences, bad role models etc, which caused the insecurity issues in the first place, the important thing is to become aware of negative communication patterns and then work on improving them.

Projection and manipulation are often times used as unhealthy means to "defend" and strengthen one's position.

This unfair attitude makes sound communication between partners very difficult as it creates uncomfortable feelings for those involved.

An open dialog where both parties express themselves freely while feeling equally respected seems impossible at this point. Therefore, a confident and positive person is much more pleasant to deal with; simply because he plays it fair and allows others to be themselves, too.

Creating a relaxed and positive atmosphere around them, he/she will be perceived as a strong, friendly and independent person making communication easy.

Of course, this is not only true within relationships, but in any area of life where people interact.

Therefore, it is vital for any healthy relationship to know how to increase self-confidence, get rid of emotional baggage and develop new and healthy ways of communication.

For quick and effective ways to build self-esteem and further relationship advice, check out: lovesurvivor.blogspot.com

[Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Christina_Claudia_Constanze_Zottnick]

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If you see the glass half full, you probably need to build self esteem.

If you wake up dreading the day and afraid of what might happen, you need to build self esteem.

If you are constantly searching for your other half and feel lost without a mate, you need to build self esteem.

Self esteem in relationships - self help homework included

by Jami Wright - Denver Relationship Psychology Examiner

Self esteem plays a large part in dating and relationships. It is a sad fact that something so susceptible to other people’s opinions can cause such an emotional impact on your relationships. There are many factors to consider when dealing with your self esteem and these impact your current and future relationships. It was once said, ‘you cannot love someone, truly love someone else; until you first love yourself.’ This quote says a lot about the issue of self esteem.

There are three different kinds of self esteem. One person may be to high, another may be to low, and like goldilocks and the three bears one may be just right.

A person with a high self esteem can impact a relationship in a negative way by coming across egotistical. No one is perfect and it is extremely hard to live up to a person who believes they are. This person, could unwittingly, cause their partner to have a low self esteem because they can never seem to match the perfectionist. The person with the high self esteem may also have an unrealistic viewpoint of themselves and perhaps the world around them. This could have devastating effects on that person and the people they are dating or in a relationship with when their ideal world comes crashing down around them.

A person with a low self esteem can impact a relationship in a negative way as well themselves. Body language can give away a person with low self esteem a lot faster than someone with high self esteem. Low self esteemed people have little confidence in themselves, their value of self worth is small, some even feel they are not good enough to be around other people. Many times people with low self esteem lose out on relationships because they are not confident or can bring other people down in their suffering. Just like a person with to high self esteem; a person with low self esteem can have crashes too. These crashes are depression, reclusive ness, substance abuse and sometimes in very extreme cases a person can go down the road to suicide.

In either of these self esteem types there is usually a circle they travel. Each time the down portion gets worse and worse. Self esteem can be the cause of many other mental illness’ or simply a side effect of something. If your case is not extreme there are some self help ‘homework’ tips below. If you or someone you know is more extreme seek professional help.

I person with a good self esteem comes across confident but not cocky. They are usually vibrant and full of life and personality. These are the people that most healthy relationships are made up of. They seek equality and happiness in a relationship. These are the people that are ready for a relationship because they do love themselves.

The key is to not allow other people’s opinions change the outlook you have on yourself. Your self esteem is a picture of how you view yourself NOT other people’s impressions of you. If you like homework assignments here are a couple to help you keep your self esteem high and in tact. Remember that keeping high self esteem can seem sexy to the people you are trying to attract and keep in your life.

Homework assignments:

Journal -- Start a journal on your computer or in a notebook. Start by simply writing down the thoughts of your day. Once you finish writing out your day, set the journal down and sleep on it. In the morning read what you wrote. If you find that you wrote a lot of negativity about yourself, you will know that you have some work to do on your self esteem. Do this for a week. Don’t change anything just write and read what you wrote. You should start to see a pattern.

Perhaps you don’t like the way you look, or you feel you are overweight or to skinny, you might even discover you don’t like certain friends or colleagues that cause you to feel negative about yourself. Once you see the trend put a plan together to fix this.

Write this plan out in your journal (give it it’s own page and book mark this page so you can easily flip back to it every day.) Now when you write in your journal continue to write about your feelings of your day but put a section at the bottom of the page for you to write what you did to fix your issue. You may just write created plan, or went on a jog this morning, perhaps you ate carrots and cottage cheese for lunch instead of the regular burger. Continue to read your journal entries every morning. You will start to see a change in your writing, perhaps more positive. You will be fixing your self esteem through work and dedication.

Meditation -- Find some time during the day (15-30 minutes) to meditate. This can be used with your journaling or without. Choose a simple form (deep thought, pray, tai chi, yoga) whatever method you choose decide to stick with this for one month, every day. During this meditation focus on positive attributes about you. You can also focus on positive changes you want to make but you MUST keep the focus positive.

Writing a change book -- Every day write three things you like about yourself and one thing you dislike. Couple this with your journaling. Writing three things you like reinforces positive in your mind. If you find you are writing the same thing down you dislike everyday, work on fixing it.

A final note: If you are struggling with low self esteem and cannot seem to pull yourself up from it please seek professional help. There are many different counselors across the world that are trained to help you work through these issues.

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How Women Undermine Themselves and Their Girls: It’s Not Always Men Who Take Us Down

By Joyce Mcfadden

Having highlighted the problem of women undermining themselves and their girls in my first blog, I wanted to use the second to express the spirit in which I hope we can try to address it. How can we start to limit the pressure we put on ourselves around body image, aging and sexuality?

Here’s a common scenario I hear from both male and female clients who are dating or married, in individual or couples treatment, that illustrates what we’re up against:

Both the man and the woman are attracted to each other, but she’s self conscious about her body. He reassures her she’s desirable but she’s too distracted by her imperfections to believe him. Eventually, he finds himself in a position to focus on these imperfections she’s constantly pointing out to him, things he never would have noticed or cared about before. Over time her preoccupation with herself causes her to retreat, and he withdraws because he’s worn down by her rejection and inability to believe how he sees her, and feels about her. She can see her dissatisfaction with her breasts, her stomach or her cellulite, but she can’t see him; and in so doing, she undermines herself, her sexual pleasure, her lover, and perhaps even the relationship.

As a feminist, I understand holding women accountable may be seen by some as antifeminist – a blaming the victim stance. But my objective is the opposite. By now we’re well versed on the impact of sexism from outside our gender, and based on the discomfort I hear in my practice, my study, and the women around me, I believe it’s time to also focus on the damage we wreak on ourselves from within our gender. If we realize how we’re actively participating in inflicting harm, it will be immensely empowering to have control over reversing that trend for ourselves and our girls.

Three things might be helpful to keep in mind as we confront this challenge. The first is, don’t feel guilty. Each of us does this undermining, consciously or unconsciously, because we’ve learned to; it’s the cultural color in which we’ve been dyed. It’s impossible to not be tinted by the negative, unrealistic ways women and girls are viewed because it’s so pervasive it’s molecular. And while it’s maddening that we all do it, there’s a comfort in it too, because it means we can all fumble through trying to improve the situation together without feeling shame.

The second, is that in my clinical experience, undermining, at its deepest level, is usually motivated by a desire to feel emotionally safe. Needing to feel safe is the cornerstone of all human behavior. The undermining itself isn’t helpful, but the psychological goal it’s hoping to achieve is not only understandable, it’s necessary.

If a woman scrutinizes herself, the scrutiny automatically comes with a wish for how she’d like to be different, which might motivate her to move toward that wish. If a woman scrutinizes another woman or her daughter, the scrutiny probably comes with either a desire to feel superior to her, or a desire to protect her from what she imagines will be the even harsher scrutiny of others.

We feel safe when we have the illusion of being beyond scrutiny. If we, or our daughters are the prettiest or thinnest we feel safer because we believe it makes us more desirable, acceptable, and lovable. And why wouldn’t we? It’s marketed to us every day. This understanding of women’s misdirected attempts to feel safe can inspire us to have more empathy and patience with each other.

If we dislodge ourselves from the self loathing component and redirect our efforts toward more effective ways of feeling safe, the problem can begin to fade. The caveat, of course, is that there’s nothing any of us can do to guarantee emotional safety. But trying to live our lives feeling comfortable and balanced in who we are is the best shot we have at being both safe and happy.

The third is the most exciting. These are the fundamental changes women need to make in order to feel a more genuine sense of safety, which will reduce the need to sabotage:

We need to feel more of a healthy sense of entitlement. To everything.

We need to give to ourselves and understand this isn’t selfish, it’s self sustaining.

We need to accept receiving pleasure. Especially sexually.

And we need to feel grounded in a sense of confidence in who we already are.

It’s alright to have some vanity. Wanting to feel and look good is a part of self confidence. And to not feel on some level compelled to physically conform to the society we live in is unwise, because if we didn’t we’d feel ostracized and miserable. The trouble is our myopic focus. We view ourselves through this lens, and we teach our daughters to do the same. The ways we collude in keeping our physicality in the foreground while everything else about us is blurred creates an imbalance we need to rectify. The “beauty” lies in each of us deciding for herself what that balance is.

Author's Bio: Intent.com is a premier wellness site and supportive social network where like-minded individuals can connect and support each others' intentions. Founded by Deepak Chopra's daughter Mallika Chopra, Intent.com aims to be the most trusted and comprehensive wellness destination featuring a supportive community of members, blogs from top wellness experts and curated online content relating to Personal, Social, Global and Spiritual wellness.